I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol
Why do strippers never care about things?
Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for 20$ an hour.
Today i was asked to go out by 17 Woman. Well i was in the Woman bathroom💀
others, tearfully: stop shipping real people!! me, packing an old lady in a fedex box: nope!
Me to friend: I'm homeschooled Friend: if I was homeschooled I'd kms Me: oh, I already tried that.
Them: whats on your arm? Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)
have you guys heard about the crazy shadow glitch in the game sonic x? Just google sonic x shadow
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".
She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied "you just ask nicely
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?
Condoms.
Dear Victims.....äh Passengers, we are flying now from Ryadh to New York. Amazing Building...äh Amazing City. Theres online but 2000 there ware two Towers.....äh Restaurants. We Hijack the plane....äh Hi Jack. Jack is my Co-pilot and i said hello. Don‘t scream...History Repea..äh.. History never comes back, we are now flying back to the Airport“💀
What's an emos favorite way of growing food? The slash and burn tactic
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with him?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to the ambulancemen and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown
What is faster hot or cold? Hot because you can catch a cold
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad
I’m a faux pa.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Are there any girls here?” The bartender says, “No, only women.” The man then leaves.
JFK and Abe Lincoln were some of the most open minded presidents ever
Friend 1: *turns off lights* Friend 2: *is there with us* Me: Woah! Where did friend 2 go?!
How did Mary get pregnant with baby Jesus? God fucked her
