US jokes

I saw Stephen Hawking using an ATM. It is nice to see he had found someone before he shut down.

Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.

Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.

Yo mama is so skinny, she uses floss as toilet paper.

What does the pedophile use for bait? Trix!

Two persons were in a car. The brakes were broken and they were going so fast that they would crash and die.

The driver said: "Oh no! We will die!" but the person sitting next to him replied: "Don't panic, the stop sign at the end of the road will stop us."

I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.

I used to have a fear of hurdles.

But I got over it.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Iceberg lettuce. Iceberg lettuce who? Iceberg! Let us in!

American: How do you use a PC?

Amish: We use a potato.

I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

What weapon does a fat Jedi use?

A heavy saber.

When China built the Great Wall, the Mongols invaded them and founded the Yuan dynasty. With Trump building his wall, will the Mexicans invade the US and found the Juan dynasty?

What did a gay Indian use as weapons of war?

A rain-bow.

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

How did you get that? Used your life savings?

What do you call a Jedi that can use the force to fly?

A Jedi Flight.