US jokes
I saw a man trying to rape a girl. I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against both of us.
Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.
The twin towers are like genders, there used to be two of them.
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
God: “Stephen, join us!”
*sees the staircase to heaven.*
Stephen: “Shit!”
God: “Steven, join us.”
*sees the staircase to heaven*
Steven: “Shit.”
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.
How do trees calculate square roots? They use log-arithms.
I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.
I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.
Stephen Hawking isn’t dead, he’s just using VPN.
Your friend took a shower and used Pantene, but I got a watermelon to keep me clean.
Ring ring.
Abortion clinic!
Where no fetus can beat us.
20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy, ‘Darling, how does my dick taste?’”
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
What unit of measurement is used on farms? Barn yards.