US jokes

Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now!

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

Yo mama is so poor, she buys used food.

Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.

A fake name and a fake phone number.

I used to be a banker...

But then I lost interest.

What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?

"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."