Why did the twin towers complain to the pizza restaurant?... Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and got plain.
Why is Donald Trump so jealous of Usain Bolt?
Because he successfully finished a race!
Yo mamma so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he was just asking her to get out the way.
What does a cannibal call a pregnant person?
A Kinder Surprise.
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?
They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.
What do you call a smart person in America?
A tourist.
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, I can't wait to meet him! 🥰🥰🥰
I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 9/11 documentary.
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week."
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."
There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.
I hope my teacher will be ok.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Wanna hear some famous last words?
"We are just experiencing some turbulence."
I threw a lamp at the depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.
I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.
He sure was a popular guy. Everywhere he went, people shouted “Hi Hitler” and gave him a little wave.
Yo Mama's so fat... whilst she was walking the streets of London, she accidentally bumped into someone, and that someone yelled, "Stupid American!"
