Told jokes

A sister told her brother to walk to the store, buy some candy, and watch a movie with her while eating the candy.

But he couldn't walk because he has no legs. He couldn't buy candy because he has no arms. He couldn't watch a movie because he was blind, and he couldn't eat because he has no stomach. Who said he was real?

I ran over some crippled kids. I told [them] to walk it off!

Yo mama so strict that when Ponyboy told her that Darry hit him, she called the cops on Darry.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

I met a talking lizard. The doctor told me he had ereptile dysfunction! 🦎

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

You know what I told my little brother plane?

Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

Son (in a happy tone): I know.

Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.

I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"