The jokes
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.
Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
Have you ever thought about the fact that every market in Africa is a black market?
What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?
The tornado siren doesn't get raped.
Your hairline is so far back that if you were a backbencher in class and I was a germ sitting on it, I would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated in front of the class.
What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
Why did the rapper go to school?
To improve his FLOW-CULUS.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
What did the rapper name his new DOG?
Lil Bark.