The jokes

What's the difference between an umbrella and a tree?

I don't know.

You're the sun in my life, now get 93 million miles away from me.

Why don’t orphans and Chinese kids play baseball. The orphans can’t find home and the Chinese kid will eat the bat.

Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."

Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.

I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.

When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.

I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.

Orphan lady: Ok kids, someone donated groceries.

Orphans: YAY!

5 minutes later...

Orphans: Wait... where's the...

Orphan lady: *tries to hold daughter*

Person who donated: *holds milk in hand* hehe

How did the man with a small penis become a rapist? His condom fell off.

I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

Why'd the Titanic sink? Because your mom was still on it!

Why should you abuse the hell out of an orphan? Because what are they gonna do? Tell their mom or dad?

What is the only thing lesbians know how to grow? Cucumbers.

I just came across a pile of cash in the parking lot.

Usually I just use tissues.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"

Bro, yesterday this bird made the weirdest chirp. It sounded something like this:

"Error code 6, 4, 4, 2, sound: bird call, failed to play, government drone 0, 7, 7, 5 requires maintenance."

Anyone know what bird that is?

My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.

What kind of book does cheese read at a church?

The Hole-y Bible.

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."