The jokes
How do you ground a person in a wheelchair?
Take off the wheels!
What's the difference between a seal and a special kid?
They both go: "Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!"
What is the only warm organ in a dead woman?
My dick!
I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.
But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?
Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.
Have you heard of the current event in Africa?
It’s known as the Hunger Games.
Did you know? The most Black Holes in the Universe are all found in Africa!
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”
A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.
Why can’t U.S.A or England play chess?
Because the U.S.A has no towers, and England doesn’t have a queen.
"What did the zero say to the eight?"
"That belt looks good on you!"
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.
Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?
The pizza guy shows up when you call him.
Why do some kids have water with their cereal?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
What is the best thing about being back?
Free bullets.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.