The jokes
What kind of pizza did the twin towers order?
Two large plains.
Why do you think China should have a baseball team?
They can destroy the entire world with a single bat.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
Why is the Rubik’s cube record holder always American?
Because Americans are really good at separating colors.
How do Americans learn the metric system?
9mm at a time. The problem is sometimes it goes straight through their heads.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?
“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”
Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?
There, there, over there, and over here too.
If you ever think no one cares about you,
kill someone, then the news will.
Roses are red, Get on the ground, Gimme your stuff, Get ready to drown!
What did the plane that crashed on the ground say? Let me crash between those legs, girl!
Sorry, cringy joke.
What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
About 140 calories.
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?
Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.
What’s better than winning the Paralympics wheelchair race?
Walking.
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.
What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?
The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.
What’s the first thing you should do if an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in your dirty laundry!