The jokes
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
"Our teen has decreed we are the 'Worst Parents Ever.' We will hold our coronation ceremony to accept this honor next Friday. Invitations to follow."
It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
Guys, you need to ketchup with the time.
Your buzz cut is so bad that the bees buzz around it!
Yo mama so fat that when she went on the scale, it showed her phone number.
Your mama is so fat that when she went to the scale, it said, "No elephants allowed!"
Yo mama is so fat that her belt size is the equator.
What is the difference between iPhones and orphans?
iPhones have a home button.
Wade, you're a joke. The worst joke.
Hoped this would be a safer, more fun place to talk to my BP friends, but I guess not.
I've also learned that some people think "worst jokes ever" = "terrible unfunny jokes that make light of people who died horribly or otherwise suffered" instead of things like "why did the chicken cross the road?"-type jokes.
Maybe I'm just too old at this point.
What movie do orphans relate to the most?
"Spider-Man: No Way Home." (Either that or Batman.)
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
You know the stupid trend where people say it’s ok to be overly obese? Healthy even? That you should take pride in it? Which idiots started that movement?
Well. We know one thing for sure. They were obviously members of a wider community.
What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?
Not getting the job at McDonald’s.
Inflation is so bad, McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
9/11 wasn’t the date, it was the score.
What was going through the heads of the 9/11 victims on the 42nd floor?
The 43rd floor.
Why do people hate jokes about the World Trade Center?
Because it's an easy target.
How do you disappoint people in Africa?
Send a message saying that you’re going to send trucks full of food, water, and clothing.
But don’t follow through and send the trucks empty.