The jokes
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on one.
You wanna know who didn't kick the bucket? Stephen Hawking didn't; nor did he bite the dust.
How do you get an emo out of a tree? You cut the rope.
Read this:
Crack
What did you think of? A window crack or the drug?
One day a woman met with a man behind an abandoned shop.
The man asked for some crack.
The woman turned around and said, "Here."
That's where the crack was, you guessed it.
The next day, she wiped it clean, ready for the next guest who "wanted crack."
What is the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with a light on.
Francis Pope, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy were on a falling airplane. There were 3 parachutes. Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane saying, “The world needs my leadership!” Barack Obama grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world,” so he jumps off the plane. At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.” The little boy says, “actually there are two, you see, Donald Trump took my backpack.”
I am only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
What do you call the 10th hole on a military golf course?
Ten-putt!
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
"Guess what my wife left in the freezer?"
"Her miscarriage."
Welcome back to the hide and seek world championship! Osama Bin Laden vs. Anne Frank!
A guy walks up to me and says, "I wonder if the hookman is real?"
I reply saying, "Yeah, it's Asa Hutchinson, lol."
How do you make a pink Smurf?
You peel the skin off.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Today, my mother was making breakfast. As she was tired, my brother asked if there was anything to do today.
She responded with a list:
- Take out the trash.
- Clean your room.
- Make lunch and be sure to butter the electrical sockets.
That’s all sweetie!
What was the one test that Steven Hawking couldn't pass?
reCAPTCHA
Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"
Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."
Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"
So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."
Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?
A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.