The jokes
The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)
What happened when the teacher tied all the students' shoe laces together?
They took a class trip.
Question: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Answer: Damn!
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the worst dam program I've ever seen.
The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!
How many cats are in the human body?
None, unless you're Asian.
I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.
Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"
"Dave who?"
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
I can only fit three fingers inside the bowling ball.
What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing...
Why did the pony have to gargle? Maybe because he was feeling a little hoarse.
When Lexa took Clarke out on a date, she walked past the candle shop, and she bought all the candles. After the date, they went back to the Heda's (Commander's) Tower, which is basically a huge candle. "All I wanna do is Candle you!"
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
On 9/11, the Twin Towers ordered 3 pepperoni pizzas. One came in plain, the other came in late, the third went to the wrong address.