Your momma so fat when she stepped on one scale, it broke. When she got another one, it said "TBC." She looked in the mirror, it broke.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.
Why are Asians so bad at baseball? ... Because they ate the bat!
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
Tell someone that you're gonna say “I 1 poopoo” and it will go in order of numbers, so they say, “I 2 poopoo” & so on:
You) I 1 poopoo
(Them) I 2 poopoo
(You) I 3 poopoo
(Them) I 4 poopoo
(You) I 5 poopoo
(Them) I 6 poopoo
(You) I 7 poopoo
(Them) I 8 poopoo
And be like, “You ate poopoo??! EWW!!”
Why have there been so many deaths around the world?
Trees and ropes.
Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?
His name is Vladimir Pootin.
You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.
Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA
They always say you are what you eat! So I’d be nothing. That sounds about right.
Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.
My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.
Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.
i was digging a hole in my garden then i found a treasure chest i was so happy i went to tell my wife but then i remembered why i was digging a hole
Your mama so fat when she steps on the scale the scale said I’m trying to get your weight not your phone number
Timmy had 66 toys. He said it was "2 many (662)," so he gave them to Mr. Divide. He gave 21. Equals flip it over! It’s weird.
Your hairline goes so far back that even God said, "I learned about it in my days."
Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.
your hairline goes back so far it dated zeus
Why do Emos love Christmas? So they can pretend they're ornaments and hang themselves on trees. Hope you liked it, happy holidays!
Why do orphans like boomerangs more than their parents? The boomerang comes back.
One day I saw a kid cry, so I go, "Let's go find your parents." I miss my job at the orphanage.
Why do orphans get lost on boats? They can't find the home room.
