How do you know Thor has your back?
He's an Asgardian (ass guardian).
If you spin a fidget spinner, You'll end up spinning it too fast. When you end up spinning it too fast, it will make you fly away. When you fly away, you'll end up in a tree. When you end up in a tree, you'll see that your friends are hanging out without you. When you see that your friends are hanging out without you, you'll run away in the woods because you're sad. When you ran away in the woods, you'll see a bear. When you see a bear, it will chase you. When the bear chases you, you'll build a fort to protect yourself. When you build a fort to protect yourself, you then notice you're lonely. You'll become friends with the bear. When you become friends with a bear, you'll start to act like a bear. When you start to act like a bear, you will become a bear.
DO NOT BECOME A BEAR! NEVER PLAY WITH A FIDGET SPINNER!
Dear uncle, I want my condoms.
Your birth certificate is like an apology from the condom factory...
What kind of cheese protects castles?
MOAT-zerrela.
What do you call security outside a Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
What starts off fun and ends in bankruptcy?
UNPROTECTED SEX.
Why are cheetahs the best animals?
The cheetah is the fastest land animal in the world. They can reach a top speed of around 113 km per hour.
A cheetah can accelerate from 0 to 113 km in just a few seconds.
Cheetahs are extremely fast; however, they tire quickly and can only keep up their top speed for a few minutes before they are too tired to continue.
Cheetahs are smaller than other members of the big cat family, weighing only 45 – 60 kilograms.
One way to always recognize a cheetah is by the long, black lines which run from the inside of each eye to the mouth. These are usually called “tear lines,” and scientists believe they help protect the cheetah’s eyes from the harsh sun and help them to see long distances.
Cheetahs are the only big cat that cannot roar. They can purr though and usually purr most loudly when they are grooming or sitting near other cheetahs.
While lions and leopards usually do their hunting at night, cheetahs hunt for food during the day.
A cheetah has amazing eyesight during the day and can spot prey from 5 km away.
Cheetahs cannot climb trees and have poor night vision.
With their light body weight and blunt claws, cheetahs are not well designed to protect themselves or their prey. When a larger or more aggressive animal approaches a cheetah in the wild, it will give up its catch to avoid a fight.
Cheetahs only need to drink once every three to four days.
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What did Pepper say to Spray?
"Hey Spray, I'm Pepper, and I think we should fight crime!"
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...
“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?
You better not lay a finger on her!
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
Seat belts are like the condom for cars.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!
Why does Adam go hockey, you might ask?
In my opinion, he shouldn't go because he is bad, but he needs the armor to protect himself from his own step-dad.
