"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.
... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
What was the last thing going through the minds of the people who jumped out of the buildings during 9/11?
Their ankles.
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
I was going to join the debating team.
... but someone talked me out of it.
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?
An ingestigation.
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?
It's called "One More Thyme."
What's big, green, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree, it can kill you?
A pool table.
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet.
He scares the shit out of it.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
