Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
Why couldn't a lifeguard save the hippie? -- Because he was too far out, man.
Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? -- Because Yoda was in charge of the sequence.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
An Irish guy walks out of a bar....
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
