Medical Profession jokes

Someone lunged at me, armed with an unregistered nurse. I hit the floor.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?

"I C D K"

You know what I see?

DICK

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."

So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"But I'm not dead yet!"

"But we're not there yet."

Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"

Doctor: "To the morgue."

Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."

Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."

What’s the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?

The doctor doesn’t enjoy giving physicals.