HI jokes
Toilet: hi You: hi what?
Jack and Jill wanted some pills.
So they went to the dealer; he saw they were kids and said, "Fuck this shit," then Jack rocked his ass and took all the good shit except birth control pills.
A guy and his girl just finished making love.
Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"
The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"
A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”
The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.
“It’s really not your day, is it?”
Someone went up to an orphan and asked him why he was talking to the air. He said he was talking to his mom.
I saw a kid in a wheelchair and I screamed, "EXTREME PARKOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Imagine if the kid in a wheelchair was in Fast and Furious. His wheelchair is the only one that keeps him going.
Kylin fucks his sister.
Hi... I'm depressed.
What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?
Answer: Putin, put out!
What do you call it when Hitler abuses his wife?
Adolf Hit Her.
What does Batman have that Superman doesn't?
The ability to visit his biological parents' grave.
"Ring Ring! Hi, I've been needing to call you. Your hairline has been found by Dora after 25 years!"
Why did the tomato cross the road?
To ketchup with his friends on the other side.
Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.
"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.
"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.
"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat-mate.
An emo kid sees his clothes hanging to dry, and he says to his clothes, "I wish I were you!"
Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?
His name is Vladimir Pootin.
Michael has canceled his upcoming dates. They were Tommy, age 9, and Bobby, 11.
I told an orphan his dad is Spider-Man: Far From Home.
There was one kid that came home from school and asked his mom what dark humor was.
She said, "Well son, do you see that guy over there across the road? Go give him a high-five."
Son said, "But I can't see."
Mom said, "That's the point."