Fruit is like ex-wives.
They both look really good hanging from a tree.
Why are orphans so good at tennis?
Because that’s the only love they get.
Why did the doorbell have a good sense of humor?
Because it got everybody's pokes!
Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?
Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
Why does Mexico not have a good athletics team? Because anyone who can run or jump is already over the wall.
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
A black man walked into a bar. Another guy invited him over for a drink. They spent the rest of the night drinking and having a good time.
What did the porg say to the porg?
Hi Porg.
You're on worst jokes ever. You thought I put up a good joke? HAHAHAH!
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
Why was Stephen Hawking so good at FIFA? He had 99 dribble.
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”
Pedophiles smell good.
Why was Stephen Hawking good at football? Because he is a pro dribbler.
Why did George Clooney like egg jokes?
Because he had good taste.
Why are blind people so good at being a Jedi?
They are always swinging a stick.
Why is Stephen Hawking good at skateboarding? Because he's always on the ramps.
Q. Why is Stephen Hawking so good at air guitar?
A. Because he has excellent string theory.
Two cows are standing in a field.
Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.
So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.
Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.
