New Euphemism Jokes

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

Political correctness has gone too far! You have to say "cognitive decline" rather than "Alzheimer's ridden shitbag"!

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

What do you do when your cat's dead?

Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

What’s another name for cumming in a woman?

Loading the dishwasher.

What do you call an army of disabled people?

Special forces.

I don’t like the term "rape," I prefer: "struggle snuggle."

If your uncle Jack needed help getting off of a horse, would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

Why did the duck walk across the road? I lost my pecker!

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

Once there was this kid that wanted to shower with his dad, so his dad said yes. Then he asked, "What is that?" and his dad said it's a chow chow train.

The next day, he wanted to shower with his mom, so she said yes. He asked again, "What is that?" and she said it was a tunnel with light.

The same day, he wanted to sleep with them, and they said yes.

In the middle of the night, he woke up and told his mom to turn on the light because the chow chow train is going in.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.