Candy jokes

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

How old are you...? I don’t give a shit, stfu and get in ma van.

“NO NO NO”

I’ll give you some candy.

“Oh ok🤩”

Is crummy bears alright??

What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.

Guy: Why can't Jesus have M&M's?

Priest: Why?

Guy: Because they'll fall through the hole in his hands.

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?

Harlem, New York.

What’s the similarity between a penis and a lollipop?

Kids can take both.

What do you call a skinny black dick? A Tootsie Roll.

My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."

- One of the thousands of missing children.

One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.

What's meaner than taking candy from a baby?

Throwing the baby off a cliff.

Well, tell her that Halloween is the best holiday because you can hide Easter eggs under the Christmas tree while eating a big Thanksgiving turkey.

Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Question: Do you know who Candis is?

Answer: Can dis dick fit in your mouth?

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?

For throwing out the W's.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack had a shock and a mouth full of cock, and Jill's real name was Randy.

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.

He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."

He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."

Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...

no one could tell that it was their blood.

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Guy: "What's the bad news?"

Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."

Guy: "Good news?"

Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."