Bodyguard jokes

Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"

The woman had a dick, lol, it's your mom ahahahahahaha, yeah YOU! Jhon man! In New York City I am on to you! I will be under your bed tonight lol get a bodyguard!

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

How do bitches talk about body positivity when they have no body to even be positive about?

I'm not looking for consent, I'm looking for cooperation!