Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
I hope you never find out whether that pressure in your ass is a fart or a shit.
Her husband prepares them a romantic dinner. The wife tells her husband about her desire for it. The husband was clueless about such acts. So, the wife tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay underneath her naked in the reverse missionary position.
She starts thrusting with his meat inside of her and starts waiting for him to thrust along with her thrusts. However, the husband didn’t know what to do, so he just laid there. Suddenly the wife had an urge to pee, but held it in because her husband’s joystick was right inside her. She loses control after a while and lets one drip out. The wife apologizes profusely and continues thrusting her husband. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another drip of urine run down the husband’s schlong to his pelvis.
The husband throws the wife from the couch, gets up, and says,
"Honey, if you think I’ll be screwed by you for more of that, you’re out of your mind."
- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.
- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.
- Oh...that might actually be even easier.
I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!
A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"
So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."
The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"
Why do people poop?
Because it we need to!
How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet, but she didn’t listen...
How is smoking similar to oral sex?
The closer to the butt you get the stronger the flavor! 🤢
What does a peeing pterodactyl sound like?
Nothing, the pee is silent.
Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.
What type of teacher doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor/tooter.
It's all shits and giggles till somebody giggles and shits.
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
Children are like farts.
You can only tolerate your own.
An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.
A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."
What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
