Bed jokes

I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."

Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.

A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."

Why did the plum put sugar under its pillow?

So it could have sweet dreams.

Where did the cake sleep on the stove?

In a pan.

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

Fatty and Skinny were in a bed.

Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow, but when I woke up, my pillow was gone!

My mom's name is Angel, and she is nothing like one!

Especially in bed...

What do Chinese people order: noodles in bed with some fried cat?

Diabetic wives are like Cillit Bang. Squeeze them a bit and bang! The bed is gone.

Why does Adam sleep early so his mum and stepdad can fuck on his bed?

Aaron and Ben meet on Grindr. They have a drink and have sex. They wake up in the morning in bed. Aaron says, "I'm so glad I got it out." Ben replies, "What? Oh, just the HIV."

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.

How do you get a fat girl to bed? Piece of cake.

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"