Bed jokes
Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.
How do you get a fat girl to bed? Piece of cake.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
Why do mountains go to sleep a lot?
Because they are high.
Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."
At night I became a mattress murderer.
Why was the Pokemon under your bed? So it can Pikachu.
Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.
A 98 year old man goes to bed on a one layer bed. He wakes up under it...
Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
"It's pasture bed time."
When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
Why did the midget not go to bed?
He couldn't reach the bed.
I was going to tell you a cow joke...
But it's pasture bed time.
What did mama cow say to baby cow? -- "It's pasture bedtime."
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.