A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit, he slams on his brakes, gets out and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired. A passing car slams on it’s brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The Bunny jumps up runs a few feet, then stops, turns around and waves it’s paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight. The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says “Wow that is amazing, what is in that can” the man looks at the can and reads the label “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave”.
i hope you SEA me around later cause i SHORE won't stay here for long
Why can’t balls move? Because no one is there to voice them around.
I can’t remember if I already said this or not I might of already said this also this is a true story. So I’m walking into a store in Amish country and there’s this guy with a bear trap then my moms friend says this guys gonna catch some bears then the Amish guy stop looks around and whispers “it’s for democrats”
What is more fun than spinning a clown around on a clothes line at 100 miles an hour? Stopping it with a pitchfork.
Wy are orphan run around the world after the baseball coach said go home 🏠? Because he didn’t now what the hell to do.
Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: no one stands up. Teacher: Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.*waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " fucking, fuck,fuck,Fuck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey.
A bird was on a branch at school today. I turn away to talk to my friends and another bird was there when I turned around. I turn around again and the birds are having fucking sex!!!
What the fuck.
Now I've seen everything
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story...
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story about a farmer walking around the farm talking to the animals. She was trying to get the kids to interact, speak up, and to use their imaginations.
"Mister Farmer stopped at the cow, and the cow said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Susie, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Susie says "He said 'Good morning Mrs. Cow!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the pig next, and the pig said 'Good morning, Mister Farmer!'. Johnny, what do you thing the farmer said next?" Johnny says "He said 'Good morning Mr. Pig!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the chicken, and the Chicken said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Billy, what do you thing the farmer said next?" Billy says "The farmer said 'Holy shit, that chicken is fucking talking!'"
One day my sister was making hotdogs. My sister ask me if I want some I said no then my sister ask my friend, and he always said no. Then my sister said I have to eat it plain with no flavor we have no ketchup, mustard or onions. My friend said I got something to give it flavor my sister ok. My sister left the kitchen to get something. I ask my friend what are you going to do then he took the hotdog bread open it and run is penis all around, and put some white cream that came out of his penis. I put the hotdogs on the bread then my sister came back My sister came back put hotdogs on the hotdog bread. I told my sister the hotdogs are ready she ate them I ask how was the hotdogs. My sister said I don’t know what flavor is this, but it is very tasty.
Stephen Hawking was a bit of a hardcase. He didn't let people push him around.
Your mom is so fat it takes a year to turn around
An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal." The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"
Why was huggy wuggy not able to hug Cody’s mom. Because she was so fat he couldn’t fit his arms around here.
there's a kid with loads of new fire men equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kids asks the firemen come have a look at my new gear so the fire men go look at his gear so then the kid says kid: I've got a helmet a big jacket and a oxygen tank and a little wheel barrow for my gear
firemen says: why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls the kid says so I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."
So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.
What's the difference between herpes and my dad?...
Herpes stays around
Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had. The clerk replied "Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation." The clerk said "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!" One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
