ANS jokes
If you can't see your family... you're an orphan.
I know this isn't an orphan joke, but I didn't know where to say it, so yeah.
I threw a nut at the allergy table and screamed, "YES, TRIPLE KILL!"
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?... one gets picked.
So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.
At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.
While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."
So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.
Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!
Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.
Punch an orphan, what are they gonna do: tell their parents?
If you're bored, punch an orphan, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?
A leaf and an emo fell off a cliff, who landed first? The leaf, because the rope stopped the emo.
What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students?
A PDF file.
Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
Family restaurants.
What do you call an orphan at the dinner table?
Family dinner!
An orphan tried to make an app about orphans, but there was no home page.
There was a kid being mean to another kid at an orphanage. The kid said, "Stop!" but the mean one said, "What are you going to do? Call your mommy?"
Pro tip kids, you CAN hit an orphan because they can't cry to their parents!
I want to run. I go Iran, because I RAN, not IRAN, because it’s an Iran joke about the country, not the movement.
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
Your mom is so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
Your mom is so dumb, she called me asking for my phone #.
Why does an orphan wanna be a criminal?
Because they wanna be wanted.
Why can’t an orphan use an iPhone?
Because it can’t find the home button.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, but it's only mild.
What does an armed bank robbery and Michael Jackson have in common?
Someone gets hurt.