And jokes
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
They are too big for “B” shells, and too small for “D” shells.
An Aussie, an Asian, and a Frenchman are in a bar.
The Asian throws his whiskey in the air and shoots it. The Frenchman asks, "Why did you do that?" The Asian says, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
The Frenchman throws his champagne in the air and shoots it. Then the Aussie asks, "Why did you do that?" The Frenchman replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
The Aussie then throws his beer up in the air and shoots the Asian. Then the Frenchman asked, "Why did you do that?" The Aussie then replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.
I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.
I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
One day in my class, we were having that good snack, and one of my classmates choked on a Cheerio. One small, single, Cheerio!
Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding got together back in the day for a horse racing venture. Tonya says, "I'll handle the handicapping, you go ride the 3-year-olds."
There once was a little girl named Sarah with no arms and legs.
*knock knock*
Who's there!
Not Sarah.
Have you ever been eight before?
You were between 7 and 9.
You know chords, right? Well, you know what I love to do? To play with A-minor. You know, feel your fingers on A-minor. Gives you a sense of power, to just F A-minor.
But that's not my favorite thing to fiddle with. That would be the D of minors. It's just solid, you know. If you're clever you can have the D of minors into the C of minors. Or, though a bit tricky, the D of minors into the B of minors.
And at this point you've gotten the point and if I want to continue it would be a bit of a stretch.
What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None, you are both dead on the inside.
What's the difference between Arsenal and West Ham?
Arsenal can win trophies and win games.
What's the difference between Cain Dashiell and Down syndrome?
Nothing.
I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.
A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
Old man goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"