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My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.

I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.

He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.

*I have seizures*

Why can't you be gay and in a wheelchair?

Because you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

Are you made of gold, titanium, sulfur, titanium, and carbon?

Cuz you’re looking a little big Au Ti S Ti C.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

What do priests and McDonald's have in common? They both shove their meat between 10-year-old buns.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

They both used to be straight.

What do emos and unsalted popcorn have in common?

They're both white and flavorless.

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.

Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”

A guy is talking to an Indian therapist.

He had a red dot, and the American thought it was from a sniper rifle and tackled him and said, "I thought the red dot on your head was from a sniper rifle!"

Yo mama so old, she walked into an antique store, and they didn't let her leave.

Yo mama so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it."