And jokes
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.
What’s the difference between Anne Frank and Harry Potter?
Only one came out of the chamber.
Riddle me this, Batman, what's long, round, and has cum in the middle?
Batman: A dick.
Riddler: NO NO NOOO! It's a cucumber!
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
Bro, is your hairline and your forehead good friends because they go way back?
I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"
My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?
There, there, over there, and over here too.
New business idea: let's put a KFC in Africa and a watermelon shop.
What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
About 140 calories.
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?
The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
"F*ck off! You won’t bring it back."
I dated a girl, and I didn’t know she was previously in an abusive relationship.
I thought she just REALLY hated high-fives.