And jokes
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
What is it called when you whoop a donkey?
A whooped ass and apparently some people get that everyday from their drunk dads.
An old man walks in a forest with a child, and the child says, "It's dark, and I'm scared." The old man says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out alone."
What does food and dark humour have in common?
Not everybody gets it.
My friend dreamed of being a porno star.
He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.
The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
Why do I call my dog a vibrator?
Because every time my dog acts like a dildo, I beat him, and when I beat him, he shakes. What do you call a shaking dildo? A vibrator, therefore I call my dog a vibrator.
Q: What is the difference between a pizza and a baby?
A: The pizza does not scream when you put it in the oven.
What would you call a person who hides in a house for 24 hours and then kills them?
Morgz.
So, I met this girl and she was a 9 out of 10. I met this other girl who was 7 years old. The 7-year-old ate my 9 out of 10 girl because 7 was a psychopath.
"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
How many times can 46 go into 8? Just hop in the van and find out.
What's brown and hurts your teeth?
A chocolate?
No. A baseball bat in my hands.
What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?
They have both had a few strokes.
A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."
What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? The rabbi cuts it off, and the priest sucks it off.
In America, there was a boy named Urhan, and he had one hand and a stump, and a girl named Handa who was an orphan. They had a trial for the Boston Red Sox, and they failed because Urhan couldn’t stump the ball, and Handa didn’t know where home was.
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
A man takes a boy into the woods.
Boy says:
"Mister, I’m scared, and it’s dark and cold."
The Man: "How do you think I feel? I’m walking out here alone!"
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
Nothing... They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."