And jokes

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,

I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.

What's black, white, and red all over?

A nun that fell down the stairs.

What's black, white, and laughing?

The nun that pushed her.

You got a dig bick.

You read that wrong.

You read that wrong too.

Maybe you read that wrong as well.

You just went and back-checked.

You reread all of that.

You have a pet wussy.

You read that wrong...

You need mental help.

EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"

Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."

What if some kid was like, "I'm going to shoot up the school!", and then someone just pulls up with a reverse card?

"Why do people call Americans excessive?"

"It was probably because of WWII."

"Oh, you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of a little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the New York Zoo.

So I was looking through my pictures and I found a picture of a random kid that took a picture of his ugly face. It looked like someone that got hit by a car, then a bus, then a semi.

That’s what I get for not having a password on my iPad.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.

She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.

what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

Roses are red, I failed my test, All because of Hugh and his incest.

My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.

There's a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run.

A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"

What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?

They can both do dirty things.

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."