And jokes
What's the difference between an elephant and a feminist?
The feminist is overweight.
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
Why does Mexico not have an Olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump, and swim is already in America.
Yesterday I went to a lightbulb party, and it was lit.
What do shemales and barns have in common?
Cocks.
You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.
I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.
The Man: "Sonny, why do you come to get some milk every day?"
The Son: "Because milk is important."
The Man: "Why don't you ever come with your mom?"
The Boy: "Who?"
The Man: "Your mom?"
The Boy: "I don't have a mom."
The Man: "I'm sorry for your loss."
The boy stared for a moment when two men came out of the vehicle and picked up the boy.
Friend: I got bit.
Other friend: By what?
Friend: A dog.
Other friend: (Runs away and the next day you know everyone is wearing a mask and the friend gets expelled because of rabies.)
What is black and white and is dead?
My Chemical Romance.
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That’s not funny, you know Billy doesn’t have any arms and legs.”
Boys: “I know, we need a third base.”
What's Stephen Hawking's shampoo?
Head and Shoulders. 😊
Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!
What's the most between my uncle and aunt?
My aunt waited until I was 14 to come on my face.
Where is the worst place to lock your keys in your car?
The anti-abortion clinic because you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.
What's the difference between a cow and a pig?
One is a pig.
What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common?
Both are not a lamp.
I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.
Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.
What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.