And jokes

Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.

Her: I am scared!

Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.

What is the difference between a pencil and a woman?

At least one has a point.

What is the difference between me and food?

Food has a use.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common? There used to be 2, but now they're a sensitive topic...

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

What does the SpongeBob intro and a pedophile have in common?

"Are you ready kids?"

What does Michael Jackson and caviar have so much in common?

They both come on little white crackers.

I told a girl she was cute, and she said, "Aw, tysm."

How does she know I have that?

How do you get a party started in Africa?

You put a slice of bread on the ceiling and everyone will be jumping.

What do you call 2 nuns and a prostitute that play football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Women have ass and tits... but men have dick and rights.

As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.

I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.

What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!

After having a win at bingo, Ethel splashed out on some venison for tea.

During the meal, her daughter asked her mum what it was, to which she replied with a little smile... "It's what I call your father."

Little Jimmy threw down his knife and fork and jumped up sayin', "Oh My God! Don't eat it!!! It's a fucking Dick!"

Let's play twin towers, your thighs are the towers and my penis is the plane, coming in between.

Yo mama is so ugly that if she went on stage, the show would instantly say, "And that's a wrap!"

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

When your girlfriend has been vomiting for 2 weeks and you find out she’s not pregnant.

Bf-*yes I knew it was a prank*

She has cancer.

How do you punish a blind person?

Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.