When a woman decides to abort, it is called a decision, but when I run my truck into a playground of kids, it is called murder.
They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!
Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.
I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!
Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?
My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!
They asked JFK Jr. if he wanted to shower before his flight. He said, "No, I'll just wash up on shore!"
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
What is stronger than family?
The tree Paul Walker hit.
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?
They always line up.
Jack and Jill went up a hill his condom ripped and now they are from Alabama
I kicked a soccer ball at the kid in the wheelchair. Now we're playing Rocket League.
Well, I got stuck in the dryer and fell asleep. Then my step bro got home, and I did not know, and hours later I woke up. My pants were down, and my butt was on fire.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Kobe Bryant survived the plane crash.
Her: I love Kobe Bryant!
Me: Helicopter Helicopter
Her:.....
Me: At least you don't say save the trees, cus damn Kobe is good.
I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
