Top tip; if your wife asks "what would you like to do to my body?" 'identify it' is the wrong answer
Royal
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
My family is like treasure, you need a map and a shovel to find them.
Dad: no Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
People should stop making jokes about major tragedies my dad died on 9/11... He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia
I know a good airplane joke but it would probably go over your heads. The twin towers: no it won't.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
Patient: doctor every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up what's wrong with me? Doctor: I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
People always talk about starting families, what happened to finishing the job?
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labour, the doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father, they agree so the machine is used, 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not felling anything, 100%, nothing. The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I have double standards, burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.” Patient: “Give me the good news first.” Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.” Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
Patient: where are you taking me, doctor? Doctor: the morgue Patient: hang on! I'm not dead yet! Doctor: and we're not there yet!
I was digging in My back yard and found a chest of coins I wanted to run inside and tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging in the back yard.
Why is it you donate one kidney you're a hero but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
A plane is going to crash there are four passengers and only three parachutes. all the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first he says, my fans need me and jumps, Donald trump takes another and says I am the smartest president, jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute. The boy replies don't worry - Donald took my backpack.