Royal

The w in Africa stands for water.

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"

Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.

Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.

People should stop making jokes about major tragedies. My dad died on 9/11...

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.

The twin towers: No, it won't.

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

People always talk about starting families, what happened to finishing the job?

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.