Did you know pigeons die after sex?
Well, at least the one I fucked did.
Royal
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
A microtransaction.
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
I used to work for a company called 69, my friend took over my position.
Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn't close the casket.
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.
I keep it in a jar on my desk.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?
It can't hit home.
Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan! -
I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb, so I asked, "Are you an orphan?"
"Yes," he replied. "What gave me away?" He asked, "Your parents," I said.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
The w in Africa stands for water.
My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.
A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"
Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."