Royal

What do you call two transgender midgets having sex? A microtransaction.

I used to work for a company called 69, my friend took over my position.

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close the casket.

My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.

Doctor: you'll be at peace soon, sir. Me: what am I dying? Doctor: no your wife is.

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I have an awesome sex drive, my girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humour jokes? It can't hit home.

Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan! -

I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb so I asked "are you an orphan?" "Yes" he replied "what gave me away?" He asked "your parents" I said.

Student: a plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left? Teacher: 203 Student: how do you put an elephant in the fridge? Teacher: You can't Student: yes you can, open fridge door put elephant in. How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Teacher: open door put in giraffe? Student: no, take out elephant put in giraffe. The lion king is having a party, who isn't there? Teacher: let me guess, the lion Student: no the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge. Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how? Teacher: she stepped on the alligators? Student: no the alligators are at the party, Sally dies anyway, how? Teacher: she frowned? Student: no, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.

The w in Africa stands for water.

my worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes, set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Famous last words of my uncle: (a bomb disposal expert) yes the red wire