Royal

Registered on · 14 followers

Did you know pidgeons die after sex? Well, at least the one I fucked did.

What do you call two transgender midgets having sex? A microtransaction.

How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

I used to work for a company called 69, my friend took over my position.

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close the casket.

Doctor: you'll be at peace soon, sir. Me: what am I dying? Doctor: no your wife is.

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humour jokes? It can't hit home.

I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb so I asked "are you an orphan?" "Yes" he replied "what gave me away?" He asked "your parents" I said.

Student: a plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left? Teacher: 203 Student: how do you put an elephant in the fridge? Teacher: You can't Student: yes you can, open fridge door put elephant in. How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Teacher: open door put in giraffe? Student: no, take out elephant put in giraffe. The lion king is having a party, who isn't there? Teacher: let me guess, the lion Student: no the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge. Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how? Teacher: she stepped on the alligators? Student: no the alligators are at the party, Sally dies anyway, how? Teacher: she frowned? Student: no, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.

my worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

a teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favourite football team is saying "raise you hand if it is Scunthorpe" every student but one raised their hand. the teacher asks "why don't you support Scunthorpe?" the child answers "my parents support Grimsby and so do I". the teacher comes back with "why are you copying your parents? what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" the child answers then i'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards"

Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes, set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Famous last words of my uncle: (a bomb disposal expert) yes the red wire