I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. "next to mine" was not the answer i was expecting
Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?
Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?
Me: It's an autobiography.
Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
Roses are red, That much is true, But violets are purple Not F---ing blue!
What flour do you give a orphan
Self raising
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty three times.
Why do the japanese hate Christmas???
Becasue the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population
Why do orphans play GTA? So they can be wanted.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
I hate these double standards.
if you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job" if you do it at home you're "destroying evidence"
What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i'm not gonna die the same way.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball? Because no one misses them.
