Worst Jokes Ever
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
What is big, annoying, and full of blubber?
90% of America's population.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?
Finger-food.
Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Infinite because feminists can't solve problems.
What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.
Q: Why did the Queer get fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
What do you call a man who plays Fortnite 24/7?
A: A virgin.
Why is 7 afraid of 6?
Because 7 is a vegetarian and 6 is a cannibal.
My grandfather died at Auschwitz.
Poor fella fell off the guard tower.
What body part do pigs have that humans don’t have?
A hambone.
What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?
A: Where's the holy baby?
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
Why did little sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.
What did sally get for Christmas?
Gloves! Only joking...she still hasn’t opened the box.