Worst Jokes Ever
A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
Why did the pedophile cross the road?
Because there was a school on the other side.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Dark, rich, and imported.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not! He got nailed before he died.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
A hot dog and a banana had a race. Who won?
The wiener.
Why did the liberal cross the road?
(Ah, fuck this shit, I'm gonna kill myself!)
I'll never forget my boss's last words: "We shall serve the best meat in our burgers!"
Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.
what do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a hot tub?
steamed vegetables.
You want to hear a 9/11 joke?
I bet they did too!
I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.
Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"
Woman two: "Did that work?"
Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."
What do suicidal people do in their spare time?
Hang out.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.
If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".
But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.