Why was the 3 year old African kid sad?

He was facing a mid-life crisis.

What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles.

My girlfriend is a p... star. – She will kill me if she finds out.

One day a man was fixing a car, an he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, “hmm, this tastes pretty good!” So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like “dude, this can’t be healthy.” But he said “Don’t worry. I can STOP anytime.”

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? – Mumbai!

What’s simultaneously up and down?

A retard on a plane.

Why don’t blind people skydive? – Because it scares their dogs too much!

Yo mama so fat, when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes.

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

The Barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, “Not now.”

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex? Call her on the phone.

What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-ecutioner.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

What do you call a walkie-talkie for retards? – A stumblie-mumblie.

Why do sharks never attack lawyers? – Professional courtesy.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

My roommate’s diary says I have boundary issues.

Confucius say, man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.