Worst Jokes Ever

Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.

What is Donald Trump’s favorite nation? – Discrimination.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he's pushing the Earth down.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in?"

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

I took my pony to the vet because I thought he was making a funny noise when he neighed. The vet said everything was okay and he was just a little horse.

Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.

What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.

Why did the lettuce win the race?

A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."