Worst Jokes Ever

Like if you think rape jokes are funny.

When you want to commit suicide, just say "Allahu Akbar," there will definitely be a blast.

Me: Stops the quiet kid from getting bullied.

Him: Don't come to school tomorrow, trust me.

Me: "/"

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

The worst joke ever.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

Why was 9 thankful to 6? Because 6 8 7 2.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

I heard an Uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like $40.

You couldn't spit out a good sentence, even if you ate a bowl of alphabet soup.

What did Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?: (What *didn't* they have in common)

Same red shorts, theme park in their backyard, white glove, soft voices, loved children, they both were black with white faces.

How many rapists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Punchline: One, but they prefer soda bottles instead.

I don't know why my boyfriend's dad doesn't like me. Maybe because we had sex?

My humour is so dark that its life matters.

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.

I'm going to open a wellness center for ASD kids to be able to express themselves through music and painting. I will call it Artism!

What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.

How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?

It isn't hard.

What type of tape do kidnappers use?

Abduct-Tape.

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.

It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.