Worst Jokes Ever

What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

One's got hope in her soul, the other's got soap in her hole.

Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."

Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

There are more genders than there are cars in a Walmart parking lot.

How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

The big hand is on the little hand!

Boi, you're the reason the Great Wall of China is a thing. You're so ugly the Chinese needed to block you out!

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

What goes in and takes a while to come out?

New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”

Uh oh, stinky!

New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

Students: "OOF!"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Your parents!"

It's all shits and giggles till somebody giggles and shits.

A boy and his mother survived a car crash.

The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber 🥒