Chuck Norris doesn't turn on his shower, he just stares at it until it cries.
I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.
I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.
I had a dream about the whole ocean being filled with orange soda.
Turns out it was a Fanta sea.
I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.
A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast.
When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the "toast god" punchline, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man.
The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles.
The radio is a player—it always gets turned on by lots of different people.
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away. So in turn, they try to swim to the island. The brunette swims 10 km then drowns. The redhead swims 30 km then drowns. The blonde swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.
What sort of file turns a one inch hole into a two inch hole?
A pedophile.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. 🥁
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes into a bank, they turn off the cameras.
Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
Odo walks down the alley and turns into a bar.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
