Told Jokes

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

A girl in the shop was getting bullied. She came to me saying, "I’m getting bullied." I told her, "Stand up for herself."

Your mama is so far that when she told a joke, no one was laughing, but the floor was literally cracking up.

I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.

The doctor told me I'm color blind...

Me: That's out of the purple!

Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.

I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.

A sister told her brother to walk to the store, buy some candy, and watch a movie with her while eating the candy.

But he couldn't walk because he has no legs. He couldn't buy candy because he has no arms. He couldn't watch a movie because he was blind, and he couldn't eat because he has no stomach. Who said he was real?

I ran over some crippled kids. I told [them] to walk it off!

Yo mama so strict that when Ponyboy told her that Darry hit him, she called the cops on Darry.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

I met a talking lizard. The doctor told me he had ereptile dysfunction! 🦎

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.