Told jokes

I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.

I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.

(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)

My local hacker contacted me and told me that he hacked my computer.

I responded, “Show me proof.” He provided the username and password for my email account, bank account, video game accounts, and social media accounts. To be honest, that is the fastest “Forgot Password” procedure I’ve ever done.

I told my friend that there was a tree. On that tree, there were four black chickens. I asked how many beaks do the chickens have. He said four.

Then I said there was a white cat. How many teeth does it have? He couldn't answer, so I said, "Looks like you know more about black cocks than white pussy."

I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

Bro told me this when he passed away.

I’m “Fading.”

My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My mom told me a joke about boxing.

I guess I missed the punch line.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.

One day I was at school, and this girl had the nerve. She told me to go to the back of the line. I was looking behind me, and she said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "To who [are] you talking to, boo boo?" Like, is you you my momma?

I told my sister to make a noise and hear what she said... "Cuckoo coo chew." #Owl🦉