Did you know that chips taste like the baked potato in things called bags of chips?
My sister thinks she's so smart and funny. The only thing that is funny is her face.
Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"
Depression: "Lie in bed."
What’s one thing orphans don’t have on their computer? A home page.
Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?
Friend: What?
Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.
Why do terrorists like the Twin Towers?
It's the next thing they blow up.
Why do emo people go to the store with no money?
Because they just scan their bar code and get everything free.
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet.
It's a good thing I'm married.
The first thing the emo did at the party is to pin the gun to their head.
There was this boy. He had diarrhea, and he kept asking to go to the bathroom, but the teacher said no. Next thing you know, he pooped himself in front of the class.
The one good thing about an orphan is that they don't get roasted with a "yo mama" joke.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.
The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”
What's the only good thing about being an orphan?
All snacks are family sized!
What’s the worst thing about being a pedophile?
Fitting it in.
There were two twins, and they were both very tall.
The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.
My ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's going to be hanging tonight.
I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."
A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."
If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"
"Africa," the parrot replied.
