The jokes
You're so fat, the only thing you could be for Halloween is the Kool-Aid Man.
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"
What happens when an emo goes to the grocery store? The cashier scans their wrist too.
Draco Malfoy had a wand fight in the bathroom.
Why was the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it wanted to look up a 10 year old girl’s skirt.
Why did the Twin Towers order from Just Eat?
They wanted some plane fries.
What's the difference between a paralyzed kid and a father?
The father gets to leave, while the kid stays.
Where did Suzie go after the bombing?
Everywhere.
Father: I am taking your toys to the orphanage.
Son: Why?
Father: You’ll need them there.
Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.
What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?
Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.
My uncles like the moon.
He comes out at night.
Your hairline is so jacked up even the barber couldn't fix it.
Bro, your hairline is still missing. Even Dora the Explorer can't discover it!
Emo chick: "I wish I could feel dead inside!"
The kid named Dead: "😄😄😄"
Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.
During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: started to laugh and said, "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!
Why did the woman want a boyfriend at least 2 🦶 taller?
So she could feel like a little girl and fulfill her rape fantasy.
Who is the man behind all lives matter?
Michael Jackson.
Shrek once went to the movies and when he sat down he felt this slimy and sticky feeling on the chair, so he stood up and complained about his chair being dirty... until he realized that he forgot to wipe earlier... so he stopped complaining and went back to his chair and sat back down.