The jokes
When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Lay on the bed, So I can fuck you.
You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.
A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"
A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"
The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."
The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"
The Flanders Song
God said to Noah, "There’s gonna be a floody-floody."
Rain came down, it started to get muddy-muddy.
Get these animals👏out of the arky-arky."
"Leave me alone!"
I feel like the Twin Towers, I’m broken.
What is red, pink, and goes round and round?
A baby in a blender.
What is green, brown, and goes round and round?
The same baby 3 weeks later.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.
Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"
The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."
Teacher: Hey Timmy (the quiet kid), what comes after X?
The quiet kid: Splosion.
Teacher: What comes after A?
The quiet kid: AK-47.
Teacher: Faints.
What makes a 360 no-scope and JFK's assassination similar?
Both were some of the greatest achievements in history to achieve.
Yo mama's so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for burgers and fries.
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
What's the natural cure to an old man's inability to forgive people?
Alzheimer's.
Your smile is so nice that the moon shines off them.
You're so brilliant and bright that the Sun wears sunglasses when you're near!
You're so awesome that the word 'awesome' demanded its title back!
I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.