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The jokes

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?

“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”

Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?

There, there, over there, and over here too.

What did the plane that crashed on the ground say? Let me crash between those legs, girl!

Sorry, cringy joke.

Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?

How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?

Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.

My father always used to say:

"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."

Until the accident.

What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?

The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.

What’s the first thing you should do if an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in your dirty laundry!

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:

"F*ck off! You won’t bring it back."

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims – they went 89 stories in ten seconds.

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushion.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school? Because her students were so bright.

Why shouldn’t you call people in China?

Because there are so many Wings and Wongs you might "wing" the wrong number.

The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.

But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!